Wednesday, November 10, 2010
11/10/10 Thankful
Today I am thankful for good health insurance to allow me to receive the care I need.
Catching Up
How did all this start? Well, for the past couple years I had taken up running and was really proud of how strong I was getting from running 4 days a week. I was increasing mileage, I was maintaining a healthy weight, and it just really made me feel good to get those endorphins pumping. My goal was to run a half marathon before Brad and I started to try and have kids. So I was following a training plan, teaching, and living life like a “normal” 28 year old. Life was good.
Health wise, as I ran more and more I noticed that my back began to get increasingly sore and tight, while I started to have some not fun GI issues-pain, bloating, constipation…As this continued and started to get pretty bothersome, I made an appointment with my family doctor. She ordered a few tests which came back normal, and referred me to a GI doc. He ordered tests, which also came back normal. In the meantime, it seemed like I tried everything for my stomach issues-tons of water and fiber, no wheat, no dairy, no soy, gluten free, Senna and other laxatives, and the list goes on…
As I continued to run, I still noticed that my increasing back pain and soreness seemed to go with my GI problems. I sought out a great chiropractor and massage therapist, thinking my problems could be related to my alignment. I went to chiro and massage treatments for 3 months with no major relief.
At this point, I decided to make an appointment with the sports medicine doctor. Based on my back pain he ordered a thoracic MRI which showed disc herniations, spurring, and a moderate herniation at T10-11. I also started acupuncture treatments for both my back and stomach problems. At this time I also started to drink more liquids because I was having a lot of trouble digesting solid foods. I had better luck with this liquid diet and continued with it. I started to lose more weight but I had better relief with my GI problems following a liquid diet rather than a solid food diet.
At the end of May I decided to stop running because of the increasing back pain and GI problems. I thought that if I took a break from running, my body would begin to heal. Little did I know that stopping running would cause everything to come crashing down in terms of many of my body systems and functionality.
The sports medicine doc wanted to put me on Prednisone for inflammation but wanted to rule out MS first. In the middle of June I had a brain and cervical MRI which seemed to rule out MS. I started noticing more tingling, spasms, and shocky feelings throughout my body. My legs began to feel weaker and wobbly. My trunk also felt so weak, like I could not hold myself upright. I began to not be able to stand for more than 10 minutes. I started to feel so weak, dizzy, nauseas, and like it took so much energy out of me. I started to need to find chairs to sit or lie down. This usually helped take the symptoms away. However, I often still had back and GI pain with sitting and lying down.
I was referred to the first physiatrist, for a thoracic epidural. He said we wanted a lumbar MRI first before I saw him. I had the lumbar MRI at the end of June which showed mild herniations as well as a moderate herniation at L5-S1. At this time, my GI problems continued to get worse so I decided to go back to the GI doctor. I kept losing weight. I also had to cancel plans because I knew it would be too hard for me to stand and walk without feeling like I was going to pass out. I went back to the GI doctor and had an abdominal ultrasound, an upper endoscopy with a celiac biopsy, and a HIDA scan of my gallbladder which all ended up to be normal.
Through July I continued acupuncture and began physical therapy. I had a consultation with the spine specialist for the lumbar epidural. He said he wanted to do an EMG first, which he reported was normal. I had the lumbar epidural on July 29th. I was very sore afterwards but it subsided. I did not experience a big difference in pain and relief from symptoms from the epidural.
At the end of July I attended a vigil for a child who died from the school where I teach. At the vigil I had to stand for an hour and a half. I thought I was going to die. I knew something was really wrong. I felt intense compressing and squeezing, pain (especially around my ribs), and a lot of body heaviness with standing. It was hard to breathe and I felt so dizzy and nauseous like I was going to pass out. I had to lean on my husband Brad so I didn’t pass out or fall. Throughout the vigil I did not realize that candle wax from the dripping candle was burning my arm because I felt so sick. After I finally was able to sit down, I felt so exhausted like I had just run a marathon. I had a horrible headache and it was hard to think straight. However, after sitting down for a while, I felt much better but still felt some back/rib pain. I realized at the vigil that night that again something was really wrong, and wondered if it was neurological. I asked to see a neurologist, and got into one at the beginning of August.
The neurologist did his exam, listened to my symptoms and stories, and looked at my MRI’s. He said he did not find anything significant and his exam was normal. He had two suggestions: 1. Look into Churg-Strauss vasculitis because I seemed to have markers, I was taking Singulair for 6 years, and I had symptoms that could suggest it (which matched with a girl’s case who he had previously reviewed who was diagnosed with Churg-Strauss). 2. He said another suggestion was to see a Neurosurgeon about the discs. Another Thoracic MRI with dye was ordered to see if the disc damage had changed. The second thoracic MRI appeared the same as the first.
I chose to investigate the vasculitis since my sister had been diagnosed with PAN vasculitis 2 years prior. I saw a rheumatologist in Lansing who ordered a lot of blood work, a sinus CT, and a chest X-Ray. Because I had high IgE’s, she sent me to an allergist, which showed allergies to trees, dust mites, cats and dogs. The testing showed no food allergies. My CT scan (as well as the June brain MRI) showed sinus disease. The chest x ray and urine tests were normal. My blood tests showed a slightly high white cell count (12.5) and high IgE’s (78.6). From the testing she did and my symptoms, she did not seem confident with a vasculitis diagnosis.
Because of my sister’s struggle for a diagnosis, and knowing how rare vasculitis is, I chose to go straight to a vasculitis expert who could either rule it out with confidence, or confidently diagnose me. I went to Cleveland Clinic and saw a vasculitis specialist. After the consultation, the doctor said she could rule out Churg-Strauss confidently. She gave me two suggestions: 1. Start fresh with a GI doctor to look at motility and function of my stomach rather than structure. 2. Look into a possible small fiber nerve test.
I also saw a wellness doctor at the end of August. He was confident he could help me put the pieces together. He started me on supplements and probiotics right away and ordered more blood testing as well as a cortisol saliva test. He also gave me a B 12 shot as well as homeopathic shots in my back. The shots seemed to aggravate the back more. The wellness doctor also referred me to a cardiologist because of the body heaviness, dizziness, and weakness I was experiencing with being upright, to make sure everything was fine with my heart. He also suggested I follow an anti-inflammation diet-no wheat, dairy, soy.
My blood work that the wellness doctor ordered was normal, and the probiotics seemed to help me have more bowel movements but the bloating did not subside. I still had a lot of GI pain and with eating a small amount, I felt like I had eaten Thanksgiving dinner.
The cardiologist visit scared me to death. I had an EKG, heart ultrasound, and stress test. I made it on the treadmill at 2.0 for 3 minutes and 30 seconds before I got extreme body heaviness, dizziness, nauseasness, and felt like I could not keep upright and like I was going to pass out. The nurse had to help me off the treadmill. I felt like I was falling forward. It was hard not to be devastated-- I was just running 7 miles at 7.0 5 months ago! The good news was the cardiologist said everything looked good from the heart stand point, and even though my body could not make it a long time, it seemed my heart could have. To be safe, he had me wear a holter monitor for 24 hours, which showed my heart was healthy. The doctor commented that my symptoms to him indicated more of a neurological problem.
When the wellness doc called me to check on me, I relayed what happened at the heart doc. I also talked about how I had tried to go to church and could not stand or walk to communion without feeling like I was going to drop or pass out. I also voiced my concerns that my inability to walk, and stand for more than a few minutes was progressing. I was having increasing dizziness, headaches, weakness, nauseausness, heaviness, and feeling like I as going to pass out with being upright. I also told him I had been experiencing numbness in my left foot for three days. With that, the wellness doc said he believed that I had something that was neuromuscular autoimmune going on.
Because of that statement, I started researching neuromuscular specialists. Because I’ve had good luck with Cleveland Clinic in the past I made an appointment with a neuromuscular doc there for September 8. The first thing I said to him was I was afraid I was headed for a wheelchair. He listened to my symptoms, did an exam, and looked at my MRIs. As he was looking at my MRI’s he noted that my T 10-11 disc was worst on film than on the report and that he needed to refer me to their spine center. He also said because of my feeling better at rest than with activity, and some of my symptoms were consistent with Myasthenia Gravis, he was going to work me up for Myasthenia Gravis and LEMS beginning with blood tests. He said that if the blood tests were negative (which they were), than he was going to have me come back for a single Fiber Nerve EMG. He said his neurological exam was normal, and again did not feel I had MS or ALS.
In the meantime, I went to U of M to see a motility GI specialist. This GI doc suspected I had a gastric emptying problem. He ordered a gastric emptying test which ended up being normal.
On September 24 I returned to Cleveland
He was glad that I was following up with the neuromuscular doctor I had seen at Cleveland.
When I got home from Cleveland , I looked up Autonomic Nervous System problems that the spine specialist in Cleveland
In October, I was referred to another spine specialist (the 3rd) in Fort Wayne
Then the appointment became interesting. He had me pull my skin from my neck. He had me bend my body in many different ways (in ways I always felt were normal as a former gymnast). After this strange exam, he said he would be sending me to a geneticist to see if I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome; a connective tissue disorder that can affect the whole body.
Of course,the mentioning of this little known disorder created a whole new host of questions for me that I took home, ready to research. I researched and researched Ehlers Danlos and as I read, I realized that this could be a highly probable diagnosis. It explained a lot of the weird things that had been happening to my body-the GI issues, the pain and instability in many body parts, the knee, ankle, shoulder, and collar bone cracking and popping, the TMJ, the inability to hold my head up without a cervical collar, the need for my back brace, the possibility of having POTS. I wondered after seeing 20+ doctors in the last year if this doctor in Fort Wayne
In the meantime while I am waiting to see the geneticist, I traveled back to Cleveland
Basically I was told that the tilt table test will give an interesting picture for the doctor. I started out lying down on the table for 5 minutes while my heart rate and blood pressure was taken each minute. Then I was tilted upright 60 degrees for 10 minutes. My blood pressure and heart rate were monitored every minute while tilted. Basically what it showed was that every time my blood pressure started to drop with being upright, my heart rate would increase to keep my blood pressure up. The difference between my heart rate from my lying down heart rate (baseline) and my heart rate with being upright was an increase of 28 BPM. I learned that a POTS diagnosis is an increase of 30 BPM, so I was told by the tech that I am borderline. Now I am waiting for my follow up with the neuromuscular doctor to see what he has to say about my QSART and tilt table results, and if he feels that I do in fact have POTS.
Basically I was told that the tilt table test will give an interesting picture for the doctor. I started out lying down on the table for 5 minutes while my heart rate and blood pressure was taken each minute. Then I was tilted upright 60 degrees for 10 minutes. My blood pressure and heart rate were monitored every minute while tilted. Basically what it showed was that every time my blood pressure started to drop with being upright, my heart rate would increase to keep my blood pressure up. The difference between my heart rate from my lying down heart rate (baseline) and my heart rate with being upright was an increase of 28 BPM. I learned that a POTS diagnosis is an increase of 30 BPM, so I was told by the tech that I am borderline. Now I am waiting for my follow up with the neuromuscular doctor to see what he has to say about my QSART and tilt table results, and if he feels that I do in fact have POTS.
So…I think that finally brings you up to date. Next week is a big week. I will be seeing the neuromuscular doctor about the autonomic nervous system results in Cleveland , I will be seeing the geneticist about Ehlers Danlos in Fort Wayne , and I will be having another nerve block in my head for headaches in Fort Wayne
As far as how my life has changed to date, now when I have to stand and walk for more than 5-10 minutes, I need a wheelchair since I get sick with feeling like I am going to pass out, and often have a lot of instability with various body parts. I have a chair in each room now so I can cook sitting and dry my hair and get ready for the morning sitting. Some days I need the chairs and some days I don’t. I have good days and not so good days; especially with the autonomic nervous system problems. I have found that I need more rest breaks if I am upright for more than a few minutes. I take Ibuprofen 800 for the pain and the horrible headaches I get from holding my head up, and with increased standing and walking. I wear a cervical collar to help keep my head up, and when my back is bad I wear a back brace. I sit in the shower. I have lost 22 pounds in 5 months, because of the GI issues. I have found that eating small meals more frequently is helping my stomach. I take multi vitamins, a B Complex, Co Q 10, Vitamin D, and Vitamin C each day.
It’s been difficult, I’m not gonna lie. I have periods where I cry and scream and don’t understand how I got here. But I know in my heart that asking “why” is not productive and the key is to figure out what aspects of this illness I can control. Things I have found I can control so far are:
*Seeking out the best possible health care (including the psychiatrist I see biweekly to help me deal with the emotional stress...there is NO shame in that)
*My attitude
*Who I surround myself with, which means my amazing support system of TRUE friends and family
* Learning how to adapt to situations, and seeking out resources if I need help
*My eating and nutrition
*My sleeping
*Finding some way to exercise each day; even if it means laying down while I raise my leg up and down.
*My Faith
*I have also found music to be powerfully calming and healing.
*Seeking out the best possible health care (including the psychiatrist I see biweekly to help me deal with the emotional stress...there is NO shame in that)
*My attitude
*Who I surround myself with, which means my amazing support system of TRUE friends and family
* Learning how to adapt to situations, and seeking out resources if I need help
*My eating and nutrition
*My sleeping
*Finding some way to exercise each day; even if it means laying down while I raise my leg up and down.
*My Faith
*I have also found music to be powerfully calming and healing.
So I think that is ENOUGH for now. I am impressed if you are reading this sentence because that means you made it to the end of this VERY long, drawn out post. Thanks for hanging in there.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Perfection
FYI-I did NOT write the following piece. I know what you are thinking, she just started this blog and is already ripping off other people's writing :) A friend of mine had posted this on her Facebook a while back and it really struck a chord with me. I read through it a couple of times and so much about it rang so true. And as I debated whether or not to start this whole blogging thing, I kept thinking about this piece. It played into a lot of my decision in going ahead with blogging, believing that it is not weak to be REAL. So thank you Dan Pearce for helping to open MY eyes about the disease called Perfection.
As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest within me to do whatever I can to make a change. Today is not geared at funny. Today is geared at something greater. Read it to the very end. I promise you will be affected in a way you have always needed to be. I spent more than twelve hours writing this post because its message is that important to me.
I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of "Perfection" spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I am passionately and constantly hurting. It's a sickness that I've been trying to put into words for years without much success. It's a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It's a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.
And chances are it's hit you too.
What is the disease called "Perfection"? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. "Perfection" is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of "Perfection" are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will cry as I did while writing it. If you don't, maybe you're infected with way too much of this "Perfection" infection.
"Perfection" is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. "Perfection" keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.
"Perfection" is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those around him. "Perfection" really does keep people from being real about the truth. You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn't she the best?
"Perfection" is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn't want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can't because then the "Perfect" people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.
"Perfection" is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. "Perfection" makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.
"Perfection" is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.
"Perfection" is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words "we don't have the money" are impossible ones to push across their lips.
"Perfection" is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I'd give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up for Bunco.What this mom doesn't know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to be "Perfect" never lets up.
"Perfection" is a dad hating himself because he can't give the same thing to his kids that other dads do, and then hates himself further because he takes his self-loathing out on his kids behind closed doors. You know what would have been nice? If you were never born. Do you realize how much money I'd have right now? Now come give Daddy a hug because I can force you to give me validation.
"Perfection" is a child hating herself because the boys at school call her fat, and when she goes home she tells her mom that school was fine. Her mom never stops to question why her daughter doesn't have any friends, because her mom doesn't want to think that anything might be less than "Perfect".
"Perfection" is a man feeling like a smaller man because his neighbor just pulled in with a new boat.
"Perfection" is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. "Perfection" makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think if she does. How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don't want anybody knowing that I ever had any problems. She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.
"Perfection" is a man who everybody heralds as perfect, and inside he is screaming to be seen as the faulty human being that he always has been. Because to no longer be "the perfect one", that would be freeing.
"Perfection" is a woman having an affair because she's too afraid to confront the imperfection in her marriage.
"Perfection" is a twelve-year-old boy killing himself because he is ashamed that he can't stop masturbating.
Stop, and read that one again.
There is a twelve-year-old boy buried 20 miles from where I sit because the "Perfection" that has infected the people around him infected him to the point that he deemed his own life worthless. "Perfection" pushed him to take his own life over something most of us would consider negligible in the life of any teenage boy.
"Perfection" is my friend's cousin swallowing hundreds of pills because she just got the news that she was pregnant, out of wedlock, and the shame was too much to bear. She was only attempting to cause a miscarriage. 24 hours later, she closed her eyes and never opened them again. She is dead because of the "Perfection" infecting those around her. We'd rather you die than shame this family. Thanks for taking care of that, honey. By the way, we'll do the right thing and make ourselves out to be the victims now. We have to. We're infected with "Perfection".
I could go on. This is all a small sampling of the disease called "Perfection". You have brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, extended family members, neighbors, friends, and children who are ALL these things, yet none of us will ever know. "Perfection" is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you're infected. The good news is, there is a cure.
Be real.
Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control. We all have a list of them.
Here's your wake-up call:
You aren't the only one who feels worthless sometimes.
You aren't the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today.
You aren't the only one who isn't making enough money to support your lifestyle.
You aren't the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion.
You aren't the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people.
You aren't the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.
You aren't the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can't figure out why.
You aren't the only one that questions your sexual orientation.
You aren't the only one who hates your body.
You aren't the only one that can't control yourself around food.
Your husband is not the only husband who's addiction sends him online for his sexual fulfillment instead of to you.
Your wife is not the only wife that is mean and vindictive and makes you hate yourself.
Why didn't somebody, anybody, put their arm around that 12-year old boy and let him know that they loved him and would always love him? What was he being told and taught that he would end his own life over something that almost no teenager can control? Maybe that beautiful and wonderful boy would still be alive if even one person had broken down the "Perfection" that completely controlled all those in his life from whom he desperately craved validation.
Why didn't somebody, anybody, tell a beautiful pregnant girl that there was nothing so big in life that it couldn't be made right. Maybe that incredible young woman would still be alive. Maybe her now one-year-old child would be learning to walk or say "Mommy" right now. Maybe.
Maybe.
The cure is so simple.
Be real.
Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just "talk". People are desperate to talk. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most "perfect" people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.
You'll love them for it. And you'll love yourself even more.
Let's not forget this quote: "I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere." Somebody who is being a friend doesn't spread "Perfection". Somebody who is being a friend spreads "Real". Then, and only then, can we all grow together.
I am not perfect, nor do I want anybody to think of me as such. Here's my dose of real:
I once stole a box of money that was meant for a child with cancer. There was more than $150 inside. That was 12 years ago, and I still hate the person in me that did that.
I believe in God, but not religion. It took me 30 years to find the courage to say that. It took me 30 years to believe that I could be a good man and still believe that.
I once got so angry at my wife that I hit the wall. The dent is still there, haunting me every time I see it because I never thought that was something I would do.
I once sat in my bedroom crying uncontrollably because I felt like everybody thought I was fat and ugly. I was a full grown man.
There are some people I avoid bumping into in public because I feel like I'm not as good as them.
I judge people harshly who share the same features that I hate about myself.
Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm not funny. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I stay at home on a weekend because I just don't want to see the "Perfection" going on around me. Sometimes I want to drop-kick a perfect person's head across the room.
"Perfection" infects every corner of society. It infects our schools. It infects neighborhoods. It infects our workplaces. This is not to say that there aren't a lot of genuinely, happy people. I am one of those people. Most of the time. There is nothing more beautiful than a person finding true happiness in who they are and what they believe. No, this is not me trying to diminish the happiness in others. This is merely me pathetically attempting to put a face on a problem that I see everywhere but few people ever notice.
This is me, weeping as I write, asking the good people of the world to find somebody to put their arm around and be "real". This is me, wishing that people would realize how beautiful they are, even with all of their imperfections. This is me, sad and desperate for the girls in this world to love themselves. This is me, a very imperfect man, trying to help others feel a little more perfect by asking you to act a little less perfect.
Will you help me spread "Real"? Tell us below just how perfect you aren't. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today. You never know who needs to feel like they aren't alone in their inability to be perfect. Even if you comment as an anonymous guest, please comment. Tell us what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable. Get real. Let's see if we can get 10,000 people showing the world that we're not defined by perfection.
And please, share this post on Facebook, twitter, and your blog. If you want the people around you to start being real, you have to be real first. I believe in the power of numbers and that enough people reading it might actually help shake down a few of the problems we cause for each other. If it's your first time here, we'd love to have you follow us. I promise it's not always this intense (or nearly this long). I'll post something really funny tomorrow.
written by: Dan Pearce, Single DadLaughing Being Real
I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of "Perfection" spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I am passionately and constantly hurting. It's a sickness that I've been trying to put into words for years without much success. It's a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It's a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.
And chances are it's hit you too.
What is the disease called "Perfection"? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. "Perfection" is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of "Perfection" are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will cry as I did while writing it. If you don't, maybe you're infected with way too much of this "Perfection" infection.
"Perfection" is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. "Perfection" keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.
"Perfection" is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those around him. "Perfection" really does keep people from being real about the truth. You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn't she the best?
"Perfection" is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn't want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can't because then the "Perfect" people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.
"Perfection" is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. "Perfection" makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.
"Perfection" is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.
"Perfection" is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words "we don't have the money" are impossible ones to push across their lips.
"Perfection" is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I'd give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up for Bunco.What this mom doesn't know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to be "Perfect" never lets up.
"Perfection" is a dad hating himself because he can't give the same thing to his kids that other dads do, and then hates himself further because he takes his self-loathing out on his kids behind closed doors. You know what would have been nice? If you were never born. Do you realize how much money I'd have right now? Now come give Daddy a hug because I can force you to give me validation.
"Perfection" is a child hating herself because the boys at school call her fat, and when she goes home she tells her mom that school was fine. Her mom never stops to question why her daughter doesn't have any friends, because her mom doesn't want to think that anything might be less than "Perfect".
"Perfection" is a man feeling like a smaller man because his neighbor just pulled in with a new boat.
"Perfection" is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. "Perfection" makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think if she does. How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don't want anybody knowing that I ever had any problems. She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.
"Perfection" is a man who everybody heralds as perfect, and inside he is screaming to be seen as the faulty human being that he always has been. Because to no longer be "the perfect one", that would be freeing.
"Perfection" is a woman having an affair because she's too afraid to confront the imperfection in her marriage.
"Perfection" is a twelve-year-old boy killing himself because he is ashamed that he can't stop masturbating.
Stop, and read that one again.
There is a twelve-year-old boy buried 20 miles from where I sit because the "Perfection" that has infected the people around him infected him to the point that he deemed his own life worthless. "Perfection" pushed him to take his own life over something most of us would consider negligible in the life of any teenage boy.
"Perfection" is my friend's cousin swallowing hundreds of pills because she just got the news that she was pregnant, out of wedlock, and the shame was too much to bear. She was only attempting to cause a miscarriage. 24 hours later, she closed her eyes and never opened them again. She is dead because of the "Perfection" infecting those around her. We'd rather you die than shame this family. Thanks for taking care of that, honey. By the way, we'll do the right thing and make ourselves out to be the victims now. We have to. We're infected with "Perfection".
I could go on. This is all a small sampling of the disease called "Perfection". You have brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, extended family members, neighbors, friends, and children who are ALL these things, yet none of us will ever know. "Perfection" is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you're infected. The good news is, there is a cure.
Be real.
Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control. We all have a list of them.
Here's your wake-up call:
You aren't the only one who feels worthless sometimes.
You aren't the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today.
You aren't the only one who isn't making enough money to support your lifestyle.
You aren't the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion.
You aren't the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people.
You aren't the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.
You aren't the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can't figure out why.
You aren't the only one that questions your sexual orientation.
You aren't the only one who hates your body.
You aren't the only one that can't control yourself around food.
Your husband is not the only husband who's addiction sends him online for his sexual fulfillment instead of to you.
Your wife is not the only wife that is mean and vindictive and makes you hate yourself.
Why didn't somebody, anybody, put their arm around that 12-year old boy and let him know that they loved him and would always love him? What was he being told and taught that he would end his own life over something that almost no teenager can control? Maybe that beautiful and wonderful boy would still be alive if even one person had broken down the "Perfection" that completely controlled all those in his life from whom he desperately craved validation.
Why didn't somebody, anybody, tell a beautiful pregnant girl that there was nothing so big in life that it couldn't be made right. Maybe that incredible young woman would still be alive. Maybe her now one-year-old child would be learning to walk or say "Mommy" right now. Maybe.
Maybe.
The cure is so simple.
Be real.
Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just "talk". People are desperate to talk. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most "perfect" people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.
You'll love them for it. And you'll love yourself even more.
Let's not forget this quote: "I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere." Somebody who is being a friend doesn't spread "Perfection". Somebody who is being a friend spreads "Real". Then, and only then, can we all grow together.
I am not perfect, nor do I want anybody to think of me as such. Here's my dose of real:
I once stole a box of money that was meant for a child with cancer. There was more than $150 inside. That was 12 years ago, and I still hate the person in me that did that.
I believe in God, but not religion. It took me 30 years to find the courage to say that. It took me 30 years to believe that I could be a good man and still believe that.
I once got so angry at my wife that I hit the wall. The dent is still there, haunting me every time I see it because I never thought that was something I would do.
I once sat in my bedroom crying uncontrollably because I felt like everybody thought I was fat and ugly. I was a full grown man.
There are some people I avoid bumping into in public because I feel like I'm not as good as them.
I judge people harshly who share the same features that I hate about myself.
Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm not funny. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I stay at home on a weekend because I just don't want to see the "Perfection" going on around me. Sometimes I want to drop-kick a perfect person's head across the room.
"Perfection" infects every corner of society. It infects our schools. It infects neighborhoods. It infects our workplaces. This is not to say that there aren't a lot of genuinely, happy people. I am one of those people. Most of the time. There is nothing more beautiful than a person finding true happiness in who they are and what they believe. No, this is not me trying to diminish the happiness in others. This is merely me pathetically attempting to put a face on a problem that I see everywhere but few people ever notice.
This is me, weeping as I write, asking the good people of the world to find somebody to put their arm around and be "real". This is me, wishing that people would realize how beautiful they are, even with all of their imperfections. This is me, sad and desperate for the girls in this world to love themselves. This is me, a very imperfect man, trying to help others feel a little more perfect by asking you to act a little less perfect.
Will you help me spread "Real"? Tell us below just how perfect you aren't. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today. You never know who needs to feel like they aren't alone in their inability to be perfect. Even if you comment as an anonymous guest, please comment. Tell us what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable. Get real. Let's see if we can get 10,000 people showing the world that we're not defined by perfection.
And please, share this post on Facebook, twitter, and your blog. If you want the people around you to start being real, you have to be real first. I believe in the power of numbers and that enough people reading it might actually help shake down a few of the problems we cause for each other. If it's your first time here, we'd love to have you follow us. I promise it's not always this intense (or nearly this long). I'll post something really funny tomorrow.
written by: Dan Pearce, Single Dad
Gratitude Attitude
Since November is the month of giving thanks, and since some days are harder than others to find my gratitude attitude, I will consciously make an effort to post something for each day of November that I am most thankful for in my life. Since it is already November 9th, I will make a list of 9 things I am thankful for to catch up.
- Nov 1: I am thankful for my husband, Brad. My best friend, life partner, and rock. He is the most loyal, loving, and patient man I know.
- Nov 2: I am thankful for living in a country where I can make my voice heard with the freedom to vote.
- Nov 3: I am thankful for my Mom . She gives and gives and gives and never asks for anything in return. She is the most compassionate, loving Mom there is. I don't know what I would do without her.
- Nov 4: I am thankful for my long term substitute, Mrs. Blake and Ms. Margaret for doing such an awesome job while I am on leave.
- Nov 5: I am thankful for friends who not only come over and cook us dinner, but make sure that the dinner they cook is anti-inflammatory and healing for my body...and delicious at that!
- Nov 6: I am thankful for my alma mater; the SPARTANS, and their 8-1 football season thus far. I am always proud to be a Spartan and feel lucky to have gone to the best University ever!
- Nov 7: I am thankful for my Sunday afternoon outings with my Mom who wheels me around in my wheelchair so I can still get out and do what we both love to do: Shop!
- Nov 8: I am thankful for a 60 degree sunny day in November.
- Nov 9: I am thankful for my good health. Although I am struggling with illness, there are still aspects of my health that are healthy!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Here I am
OK, I am officially a blogger. I'm a little scared. A little nervous. A little excited. But as life gets crazier and crazier these days I wanted to make sure I was documenting all of the ins and outs of the good, the bad, and the ugly as our life continues to take twists and turns. I've been asked a few times by various friends and family to start a blog to keep people posted on the happenings of our lives; especially now that life as we know it is currently being redefined. So...I feel like starting a blog may serve as an easy way to keep close friends and family in the loop, especially since things seem to change daily.
And then there are the hours and hours and hours I have scoured the Internet for other peoples’ blogs and life stories that help me realize I am not alone. These people’s courage to be real with whatever struggle they are facing, while still not being afraid to celebrate life’s victories have been so therapeutic for me. I have learned so much from these complete strangers who persevere, even when life is not going their way. I also can’t tell you how many ideas and pieces of helpful information I have gained from pouring over other people’s life stories. I would like to have a chance to pay that forward. So I feel that if my story through blogging helps only ONE person, along the way, I will feel victorious. I am so thankful for the people out there who have the courage to be real, and at the same time be hopeful and determined to turn their lemons into lemonade.
And then there are the hours and hours and hours I have scoured the Internet for other peoples’ blogs and life stories that help me realize I am not alone. These people’s courage to be real with whatever struggle they are facing, while still not being afraid to celebrate life’s victories have been so therapeutic for me. I have learned so much from these complete strangers who persevere, even when life is not going their way. I also can’t tell you how many ideas and pieces of helpful information I have gained from pouring over other people’s life stories. I would like to have a chance to pay that forward. So I feel that if my story through blogging helps only ONE person, along the way, I will feel victorious. I am so thankful for the people out there who have the courage to be real, and at the same time be hopeful and determined to turn their lemons into lemonade.
Therefore, I feel in my heart it is time to begin this blogging journey. The only thing I am promising is that I will try it. For many reasons…Personal therapy. Connecting with, and helping my close friends and family understand what is happening day to day, Being able to acknowledge the blessings and positives that I find each day of my life. Having a chance to be real with the tough parts of what I am going through to let others know they don’t always have to pretend they are okay. So there you have it. Here I am, ready to tell my story and watch it unfold. Bare with me and please be kind as I figure out this whole new blogger world.
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